a series of moments

Sometimes I wonder how, in one series of moments,

a heart can be moved,

a lesson can be learned,

a change can begin.

I had breakfast with a good friend this morning, was reminded of the validity of lasting relationship. 

ah, relationship.

I met with a few others downtown -- A couple girls, around 15 years old, who used to be my students.  We now spend time together often, window shopping and talking about life.  

ah, youth.

I ran into an old friend this afternoon -- at a coffee shop.  We had a conversation that stirred me.  We talked about dreams and vision and how to live it out in a world that looks the way ours does. 

Ah, purpose.

I went to a dance recital this evening (one of the girls mentioned above was performing). In it, I saw the most beautiful dance interpretation. It played out the words of the song "Dream" by Priscilla Ahn.  It was one of those moments... I knew, just for me.

The summation of a day of separate instances, all brought together by this unifying expression.

This statement. 

An answer to the questions circling. 

"I was a little girl alone in my little world 

who dreamed of a little home for me.

I played pretend between the trees,

and fed my house guests bark and leaves,

and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream

that I could fly from the highest swing.

I had a dream

Long walks in the dark

through woods grown behind the park,

I asked God who I'm supposed to be.

The stars smiled down on me,

God answered in silent reverie.

I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream

that I could fly from the highest tree.

I had a dream

Now I'm old and feeling grey.

I don't know what's left to say

about this life I'm willing to leave.

I lived it full and I lived it well,

there's many tales I've lived to tell.

I'm ready now, I'm ready now, 

I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.

I had a dream."

A tear fell from my eye as I lived in the words and movements that came from the stage. 

The song ended. 

Then relief came over me, a sense of peace.

I know now, it is possible. 

I endeavor

to write.
to pray.
to read.
to plan.
to go.

thoughts, ideas, expressions, goals.
for friends, in thankfulness, for wisdom and the spirit.
the word, good books, poems, words from friends.
adventures, my wedding, the future, a vision.
boston, vancouver, forward, toward people.

i must risk. i must attempt. i must act.

it.
starts.
today.

whirlwinds and explosions

Before I forget to say it, I can't believe how outrageously all over the place my life has been lately. Have I been remembering to breathe? It doesn't feel like it.





Circulating questions have been exploding in my mind....





What do I think about those issues where I thought I knew where I stood until I saw them arise with skin on them


How do I help in situations where there is not help to be had



What do I value



What will relationships look like when life looks different



How do I pursue what I want



What am I doing with my life


Where is my faith


Why do I hate


How do I love?

freons

i may only have a few

but the ones i do have are very close

and i love them dearly.

today

there is something about thunderstorms.

makes me want to...
...lie down in bed with a warm blanket and a good book
...turn off the lights and stare out the window for hours
...do a puzzle
...run in circles with my arms outsretched
...appreciate the sunny days
...kiss the one i love
...bake delicious goodies
...travel somewhere far away
...imagine myself in a different world i created all my own
...drink tea and have a long conversation with an old friend

what is it about the rush of water that refreshes the soul? I have some ideas...

this and this and....

I want to learn another language. Spanish maybe, or French?

I told my students that if they brought me a postcard of where they've been, I'd tried to get there too.

I used to think I'd be the person who never had doubts. used to.

I have chronic hemorrhoids -- slightly self-diagnosed but mostly not.

I'm afraid of my deepest desires.

I am critical.

I always feel like I could stand to lose 5 pounds.

I don't like to pray.

I can't think about salvation without being heartbroken.

I love my friends.

I have the best mom and dad in the world.

I have a strong affinity (addiction) to any and all cookies, ice creams, and chocolates.

I don't like materialism but I love to buy jeans from the buckle.

I am a hypocrite (see above)

I give up on people sometimes.

I assume people don't like me unless they give me reason to think otherwise.

I give too much effort to working and not enough effort to things I love.

I have a problem with saying inappropriate things and thinking they are hilarious.

I don't wonder as much as I used to.

My feet are always cold. As am I most of the time.

Scarves and Jewelry are my most favorite addition to my wardrobe in the last 2 years. 

I like layers too.

I find hair in the strangest places.... 

I don't really have a favorite animal.

Sound of Music is my default favorite movie, although I've probably seen many better movies in my lifetime.

I don't like the words "husband" and "wife". they seem old-fashioned.

I make things up frequently when students ask me questions i don't know the answer to. I like to call it "speculating".

I over analyze everything. always.

I think everything worth doing takes risk.

When it comes down to it, I have a difficult time taking risks.

I like to see how uncomfortable I can make people feel when I do strange things.

I talk to my mom about everything.

I want adventures. But only to the extent to which they are not scary.

I want to give of myself. But only to the extent that it is comfortable.

I am a picky eater. My parents enabled me! 

I am afraid of not knowing who I am. 

I can not buy into the 9-5 American working world. I hate it. But I am part of it. 

I like to pick scabs and things of that nature off of other people. Pat lets me.

I always try to dye my hair to my natural color. Isn't that counterintuitive?

I do not retain information. 

I can not find words to adequately communicate the most important things.

I have a terrible memory.

I am an open person. Sometimes it backfires. I never learn my lesson.

even these

can you reach?

mom. dad. friend.
meaning. so much.
heart-beating. broken.
for them. will it? break.
will it to. only you can.
mine. theirs. for you.

friend. foe. neighbor.
hurting. so much.
heart-beating. broken.
for them. will it? heal.
will it to. only you can.
I. them. to us. for you.

will you?